Hidden within a family
Secret weapons of attack
Stabbed in the back…
When I cried out for help
I was told I was crazy
It was my fault
I provoked him
I’m her first born
He’s their first born
The rest is theirstory…
Kicked out of the family portrait at the age of fourteen
Struggled, survived, fought, got money, damn near died on these NYC streets
I’m a Vet, a Soldier
War was all I knew
And was still strong enough to stay TRU to myself
Gain Knowledge of Self
Started questioning myself…
What are you doing? Who are you fooling?
This is not you.
Everyone knows you don’t belong here… so leave –
And I left… Never looked back
Got on some Square shit
And it was cool –
Earning a paycheck. getting up every morning
Doing something positive
Once I caught on that this side
is no different than the other side
Only this side is legit –
I went in Hard!!!
I was a beast…
I called on all of the skills I acquired in the underworld
and brought them to the surface.
I was having a nice little run
and then my whole life changed…
I found out that I was pregnant
and my whole world crashed in on me.
Lost my job, lost my home,
my son’s Father was acting stupid at the time
in denial and shock – really… okay….
(He’s getting it together now… it was rocky though…smh…)
I had to move back in to my mother’s house.
That’s not her house.
It all started from then.
My Brother started stealing my things
and taking things of mine out of the house
without asking and I’d get upset.
I’d go to my mother and her husband and tell them that I don’t need this stress
I’m pregnant, please tell him to leave me alone.
My mother would say that
I can’t be like that; Say that I don’t want to be bothered.
I’d go through the whole people only treat you how you allow them to treat you speech
I’d say that I have a right to speak up and defend myself
I’d say that I don’t have to take my Brother’s mess…
to no avail.
You see my mother was just happy that she had a job
didn’t have to be in the house all day.
It was perfect for her to have me there.
Especially since her husband just had hip surgery.
She get up in the morning, get dressed and leave.
I’d get up behind her. Get washed up, go downstairs
see if there was any food
go to the supermarket
get some groceries
walk back to the house
go upstairs knocked on his door
he’d say come in
I’d ask him if he wanted me to make him something to eat
he’d be awake, just laying there
unable to go down the stairs
He’d say yes… and that’s when he’d finally get up and clean up
Somebody was there to take care of him… do what he couldn’t do for himself
And it was me
and that’s what ate at him
that it was me.
it wasn’t his daughter or his sons, not even his wife.
it was me.
The one he hates
the one he despises
The one who stood tall and strong
in the face of the tyrant
the one he set the lowest of expectations for:
the future bum,
the future derelict
the one no man would ever want…
yep it was me
who was there
in his time of need
And I would pay for it.
Disorders hidden within a family
Kept secrets used as tools
Silent whispers of
fuck you bitch
all out confrontations
three against one
mother, father and son
the holy trinity of dysfunction
Somebody please talk to him
Silence all around.
Two years of illness getting worst
arguments getting worst
to think someone I have always looked out for
to turn on me this way
But it’s not all of his fault
knew the problem
they knew that Demons
were attacking the mind of their son
such potential never allowed to manifest
because families keep secrets
For two years I suffered
no one wanted to get involved…
But karma’s a bitch
what goes around truly comes around
the cipher complete.
His attacks now are indiscriminate
fuck you nigga my father
fuck you bitch my mother
fuck all you mother fuckers…
you all are plotting against me
trying to stop me
Now his rants are a bother
Now he has to go
Now people are terrorized
I asked you all for help
I was the first caught in his line of fire
and you all looked away
Hidden within a family
Secret weapons aimed against me
Used to stab me in the back
They now learn the lesson
That daggers aimed
find their way back…
Bad things happen
watch in silence…