Hidden Warfare…

Bi-polar

Schizophrenia

Disorders

Hidden within a family

Secret weapons of attack

Stabbed in the back…

When I cried out for help

I was told I was crazy

It was my fault

I provoked him

My Brother

Same mother

Different father

I’m her first born

He’s their first born

The rest is theirstory…

Kicked out of the family portrait at the age of fourteen

Struggled, survived, fought, got money, damn near died on these NYC streets

I’m a Vet, a Soldier

War was all I knew

And was still strong enough to stay TRU to myself

Gain Knowledge of Self

Started questioning myself…

What are you doing? Who are you fooling?

This is not you.

Everyone knows you don’t belong here… so leave –

And I left… Never looked back

Got on some Square shit

And it was cool –

Earning a paycheck. getting up every morning

Doing something positive

Plus

Once I caught on that this side

is no different than the other side

Only this side is legit –

I went in Hard!!!

I was a beast…

I called on all of the skills I acquired in the underworld

and brought them to the surface.

I was having a nice little run

and then my whole life changed…

I found out that I was pregnant

and my whole world crashed in on me.

Lost my job, lost my home,

my son’s Father was acting stupid at the time

in denial and shock – really… okay….

(He’s getting it together now… it was rocky though…smh…)

I had to move back in to my mother’s house.

That’s not her house.

It all started from then.

My Brother started stealing my things

and taking things of mine out of the house

without asking and I’d get upset.

I’d go to my mother and her husband and tell them that I don’t need this stress

I’m pregnant, please tell him to leave me alone.

My mother would say that

I can’t be like that; Say that I don’t want to be bothered.

I’d go through the whole people only treat you how you allow them to treat you speech

I’d say that I have a right to speak up and defend myself

I’d say that I don’t have to take my Brother’s mess…

to no avail.

You see my mother was just happy that she had a job

didn’t have to be in the house all day.

It was perfect for her to have me there.

Especially since her husband just had hip surgery.

She get up in the morning, get dressed and leave.

I’d get up behind her. Get washed up, go downstairs

see if there was any food

go to the supermarket

get some groceries

walk back to the house

go upstairs knocked on his door

he’d say come in

I’d ask him if he wanted me to make him something to eat

he’d be awake, just laying there

unable to go down the stairs

He’d say yes… and that’s when he’d finally get up and clean up

Somebody was there to take care of him… do what he couldn’t do for himself

And it was me

and that’s what ate at him

that it was me.

it wasn’t his daughter or his sons, not even his wife.

my mother…

it was me.

The one he hates

the one he despises

The one who stood tall and strong

in the face of the tyrant

the one he set the lowest of expectations for:

the future bum,

the future derelict

the one no man would ever want…

yep it was me

who was there

in his time of need

And I would pay for it.

Bi-polar

Schizophrenia

Disorders hidden within a family

Kept secrets used as tools

Silent whispers of

fuck you bitch

all out confrontations

three against one

mother, father and son

the holy trinity of dysfunction

Somebody please talk to him

Silence all around.

Two years of illness getting worst

arguments getting worst

to think someone I have always looked out for

to turn on me this way

But it’s not all of his fault

his mother

his father

knew the problem

they knew that Demons

were attacking the mind of their son

Such brilliance

such talent

such potential never allowed to manifest

because families keep secrets

For two years I suffered

no one wanted to get involved…

But karma’s a bitch

what goes around truly comes around

the cipher complete.

His attacks now are indiscriminate

fuck you nigga my father

fuck you bitch my mother

fuck all you mother fuckers…

you all are plotting against me

trying to stop me

attacking me

Now his rants are a bother

Now he has to go

Now people are terrorized

Yet –

I asked you all for help

I was the first caught in his line of fire

and you all looked away

Bi-polar

Schizophrenia

Disorders

Hidden within a family

Secret weapons aimed against me

Used to stab me in the back

They now learn the lesson

That daggers aimed

find their way back…

Bad things happen

because

people

stand by

and

watch in silence…